Funerals in Japan are solemn occasions, during which Japanese people follow many practices in order to give the deceased a dignified send-off. Hence, when you are invited to a Japanese funeral, you may understandably be apprehensive of flouting any funeral etiquette if you are unsure of what to expect. In order to help you prepare for such an occasion, we have come up with a list of the following things you should know so that you will have a better understanding of what to expect, as well as the actions you may be expected to perform.
1. What to Wear to a Japanese Funeral
Since funerals in Japan are your opportunity to pay your final respects and say goodbye to the dearly departed, the somber color of black is the color of choice to demonstrate your respect for the deceased and his or her bereaved family. It is important to Japanese people that you put on your Sunday best, so men should come dressed in a crisp white shirt and well-starched black suit, with a black necktie completing the dignified look. Likewise, ladies should wear a non-revealing black dress, kimono, or suit. Also for the ladies: while you are not required to wear jewelry, it would be ideal for you to wear a string of pearls if you are the kind of person who likes to adorn your look with accessories. Pearls are considered the standard for Japanese funerals; many Japanese women like to wear one strand of pearls or even pearl earrings, as they are imbued with symbolism – the purity of the human spirit.
All other items that you bring to the funeral should be black as well, including umbrellas, briefcases, handbags, and shoes. In a nutshell, you should refrain from wearing anything bright or colorful that could distract other participants from the gravity of the Japanese funeral.
2. What to Bring to a Japanese Funeral
In times of grief, you will definitely want to give something to the family of the deceased as a way of showing your support and solidarity. Condolence money (koden) is a great choice, as Japanese funerals are pretty costly affairs. Take note that there is a special envelope in which you should put your condolence money, so be sure to purchase one at stationery shops, 100-yen stores, or even convenience stores. The correct envelope to get is awhite one that has a black-and-white ribbon with the ends facing up. Never ever buy a red-and-white envelope – it is meant for celebratory occasions!
The envelope for koden comes with another envelope inside it; this is where you place your condolence money. As a rule of thumb, the closer you are to the deceased, the more money you may feel obligated to give, but anywhere between 5,000 yen to 30,000 yen should be an ideal budget. Since odd numbers are associated with inauspicious occasions, it is advised to give an odd-numbered amount. Also, avoid amounts of four at all costs because four in Japanese is pronounced as “shi,” which is the same pronunciation for death.
After putting money inside the inner envelope, you should ideally write down the amount of your condolence money on the front of the inner envelope, write your name and address on the back of the envelope, and then place it in the larger, decorated envelope. Specifying your personal details will go a long way towards helping the grieving family in keeping proper documentation of the monetary support they receive from well-wishers.
Additionally, it is customary to wrap your condolence envelope with a cloth called a “fukusa” so that it will not be bent or tainted with dirt. Black, brown, or purple fukusa are considered appropriate, and you can purchase them at department stores. There are specific rules regarding how to cover the envelope with the fukusa, so remember to consult a Japanese person if you are not sure how to wrap it.
3. What To Expect At The Wake (Otsuya)
Japanese funerals are typically divided into two parts, the first of which is a wake (otsuya) that is held in the evening before the actual funeral. If you are a casual friend of the deceased, it is okay for you to just attend the wake and not the funeral. This wake brings together the deceased’s family, associates, and friends for a limited time (usually about 1-2 hours) and helps them momentarily manage their loss by listening to Buddhist monks chanting sutras. Do ask a mutual Japanese acquaintance of the deceased about the timing of the wake, as you will not want to come in the middle of the chanting and disrupt the proceeding of the wake.
When you arrive early at the venue of the wake, you will be automatically sorted into lines to pay your respects and express your condolences to the family. Depending on your relationship with the deceased, you will join either a line meant for family members or another line meant for school buddies, work colleagues, and even club mates. Here, some familiarity with Japanese characters will be useful as there will be signs labeled “Gokazokusama” (ご家族様) and “Goyujinsama” (ご友人様) for family and friends respectively. However, if you do not know much Japanese, do not worry, as the other attendees should be glad to point you to the right line if you ask them discreetly.
While you can leave the wake in the middle of the sutra chanting, it is not typical for Japanese people to do so. Hence, you will want to refrain from doing so in order not to draw unnecessary attention to yourself. The Buddhist monks will typically chant these sutras in loud and booming voices as they are meant to facilitate the deceased’s peaceful transition into the afterlife. Therefore, be prepared to listen to continuous chanting and plan to sit still and not fidget too much.
4. What To Expect At The Funeral Service
The funeral is typically held one day after the wake and involves more elaborate Buddhist funeral rites. If you attend the funeral, you will be requested to take part in various rituals as a way of honoring the deceased. One common ritual is the incense rite (oshoukou), which is undertaken to pray for the soul of the deceased. In order to carry out the incense rite, walk up to the altar, take a pinch of incense, and touch it to your forehead. You will then need to sprinkle the incense in a different bowl known as the “flame bowl.” Depending on the Buddhist sect that is performing the ceremonial rites, you may have to repeat this drill one or two more times.
In addition, you will be given a chance to view the body in the casket and say your final farewell at the end of the funeral service. There will be designated mourners who will pass you flowers (usually lilies and chrysanthemums) as you line up with the rest of the attendants to pay your last respects. When it is your turn, you can place the flowers in the casket. You may even write a short note beforehand that you can place it in the casket with your flower. However, if you are perhaps uncomfortable with approaching the casket, you can just watch the ritual silently at a distance. Should anyone approach you, you could excuse yourself politely by asking if you may “say goodbye to the deceased in your mind.” Although it is common for the Japanese to view the casket, you do not need to feel pressured into doing something that makes you feel uneasy.
5. What To Expect After The Funeral Service
After the funeral service, it is time to pay a visit to the local crematorium as almost all Japanese people choose to be cremated upon death. At this point in time, the coffin will be moved to a specially-made hearse (reikyusha), which is usually a black limousine with an intricate Japanese-style roof design. Family members will take their seats in separate cars while relatives will be transported by bus. The cremation is a private occasion meant only for the family and relatives of the deceased, but if you are a very close friend of the deceased, you may wish to seek permission from the family so that you can follow along with them.
What may surprise you is that before setting off, the driver of the hearse will press the horn for a sustained 5-10 seconds as a way to show everyone that the deceased will soon take his or her leave from the earthly realm. If you come from a country in which funeral hearses herald the occasion silently, the loud blaring of the horn may be rather jarring to your senses, so it may be wise to mentally prepare yourself for this.
6. What To Expect At The Crematorium
You may be married to a Japanese citizen, in which case the funeral you’re attending may be that of a family member. This means that your presence and involvement will be important at the crematorium. There, you will first wait with the rest of your Japanese family in a designated waiting room while the body is being cremated. When the cremation is finished, you will need to follow your family members and walk single-file into a room where the coffin has been taken from the furnace. Subsequently, you will be given a pair of special chopsticks and requested to pick a bone of the deceased from the coffin so that you can place it into an urn. When everyone has taken their turn, the crematorium staff will scoop the remaining bits and pieces into the urn, which is then sealed.
It is perhaps noteworthy to realize that in Japan, only the bones and not the ashes of the deceased are kept. This can come as a shock to you if your culture encourages the keeping of ashes as a means of gaining closure.
7. What To Do Before Returning Home
Regardless of whether you attend the wake or funeral or both, you will first line up and pass your condolence money to a designated receptionist before the wake or funeral proceedings. After that, he or she will present you with a bag known as the “kodengaeshi,” which contains salt, tea, and some snacks. In Japanese culture, the concept of reciprocity is paramount. Funerals are no different, and the kodengaeshi is like a return gift that conveys the bereaved family’s appreciation for your support during their time of loss. Make sure that you don’t forget about the salt, as you need to throw salt behind one of your shoulders to ward off spirits before you step into your house.
In Closing
Funerals mark an incredibly stressful period in the lives of people impacted by the death of their loved one. Therefore, having a good understanding of Japanese funeral etiquette will help to bring some comfort to the family of the deceased. Should you need to attend a funeral in Japan, ideally you may want to go with a mutual Japanese acquaintance of the deceased who can guide you through it. If not, we hope this guide was helpful in giving you enough direction that you are able to finish the ceremony fairly smoothly and pay your final respects.
Title image credit: akiyoko / Shutterstock.com
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The information in this article is accurate at the time of publication.
FAQs
What is the Japanese tradition when someone dies? ›
The Ososhiki is the actual Japanese funeral service, and contains several ceremonies. It starts one day after the Otsuya with a Sougi or Soshiki, which is the funeral ceremony itself. It follows a similar procedure to the Otsuya, with a priest chanting a sutra and the bereaved burning incense.
What are traditions at a Japanese funeral? ›Japanese Funeral Rituals
A white cloth covers the face. Members of the immediate family, including children of all ages, and friends from the neighborhood will drop by and give their condolences. It is not uncommon for people to sit with, touch, and talk to the body almost as if it were still alive.
The cover address on the front of envelope : 'Okouden' (condolence money), 'Goreizen' (offering money on the altar) is acceptable except in Jyoudoshinshu rites. 'Mizuhiki' : black and white, or silver or white square knot.
Why do Japanese give koden? ›kou) and “song” or “chant” (? den), koden was originally money given to the family of a deceased person in order to help pay for the burning of incense and a minister's chanting during the Buddhist funeral. The practice persists today in various Japanese American religious traditions.
What is condolence money called? ›Condolence Money (Bai Jin) at Buddhist Funerals
Monetary gifts also known as 'pek kim' or 'bai jin', is a common tradition in not only Buddhist funerals but also in most chinese funerals. Usually, the money is kept inside a white envelope.
Held as soon as possible after death, a Japanese wake is called tsuya (通夜), lit. "passing the night". All funeral guests wear black: men wear black suits with white shirts and black ties, and women wear either black dresses or black kimono.
How do you express condolences in Japan? ›A more formal expression of お悔み (o-kuyami, sympathies/condolences) is 哀悼の意を表します (aitō no i o hyō shimasu, please accept my condolences).
How many stamps do you give for koden? ›| Sending stamps in thank you for koden 2011/8/3 23:58 | |
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| Stamps are not sent as condolences, but with the thank you card for koden. My family has and still does send the postage stamps as THANK YOU for koden received at a funeral. | |
| by Marsha (guest) | rate this post as useful |
Appropriate funeral jewelry to wear with a black dress or suit includes elegant and subtle pieces. Pearls can be a good option. Small sterling silver, gold, or jeweled pieces are also usually a fine choice if they are not distracting. Religious jewelry, such as a simple cross, would also be appropriate.
What colors are lucky in Japan? ›Blue is also one of Japan's most important lucky colors, with the others in the category being yellow, white, purple, green, and red.
What is koden used for? ›
Both in Japan and in Japanese American communities, and both Buddhist and Christian, the tradition of “koden” or “okoden” is observed. That's a monetary gift given in envelopes to the bereaved family.
How do Japanese mourn? ›The family of the deceased will be in a period of mourning for 49 days after the funeral. Once a week they will visit the grave to place fresh flowers and to burn incense. On the 3rd, 7th and 49th days they will have a short memorial service at the site, led by the Shinto priest.
Is it rude to return koden? ›"Koden" gift is meant to cover the funeral/flowers and also a way to express condolences. So... I would avoid "returning" it. Some thank-you card with some small gift from where you are would be nice and appreciated (the gift can be sent now or handed in person later maybe).
What does kodan mean in Japanese? ›Koden (香典) is a term to refer to a gift of money offered to the dead at a Buddhist funeral. Koden is sometimes written "香奠" and is also called Koryo (香料).
Who wears white to a funeral? ›White is a color of mourning across the globe
Buddhists wear white to funerals as a symbol of mourning, and respect to the deceased person. Believing that the first three days should be a period of positivity, so that the deceased can transition from life to death peacefully, Buddhists prefer to mourn in white.
There is no hard and fast rule for how much money you should put into a sympathy card. It is important to consider how much you can afford and the need of the family. You don't want to put financial constraints on your family because of giving.
Is it rude to put money in a sympathy card? ›Gift of Money
If you choose to give money, be discreet and respectful. Put your check or cash inside an envelope with the sympathy card and hand it to the person you want to receive it. If you're concerned that it won't be opened right away, you might mention that there is something extra inside.
How Much Should You Give? The traditional gift is the amount you would have spent on flowers for the service, generally between $50 and $100.
What flowers are appropriate for a Japanese funeral? ›Money and chrysanthemums in Japan
White and yellow chrysanthemums and lilies are particularly suitable, because they're associated with death. Flowers in bright colours are taboo. Alongside floral wreaths, you can also bring condolence money (kōden, 香典) for the family to a Japanese funeral.
red dress expresses happy and flashy
In fact, as far as fabrics are concerned, red is considered in Japan as the happiest color you can get.
What does GREY mean in Japan? ›
Red should not be worn at sorrowful events such as funerals. Yellow can sometimes be associated with pornography in media. Black is typically not worn or used at happy events such as weddings. Grey is a negatively connotated color that can represent indefinite nature.
What is the best condolence message? ›My sincerest condolences for you at this time. You have my deepest sympathy and unwavering support. Wishing you peace, comfort, courage, and lots of love at this time of sorrow. My heart goes out to you at this difficult time.
What does Okuyami Moushiagemasu mean? ›I express my sympathy ; I'm sorry for your loss.
How long do Japanese mourn? ›Generally, memorial services are conducted every day for the first seven days and on specified dates during the first 49 days. -During the first year of death, no traditional New Year card is either sent or received by the grieving family.
How do I give koden? ›The envelope for koden comes with another envelope inside it; this is where you place your condolence money. As a rule of thumb, the closer you are to the deceased, the more money you may feel obligated to give, but anywhere between 5,000 yen to 30,000 yen should be an ideal budget.
Why do people put stamps in sympathy cards? ›It's meant to be a small contribution to defray the cost of the funeral. The practice probably derived from Japan, where it is customary to provide a money envelope (where the amount depends on the type and degree of relationship you had with the deceased or his/her family) when attending the funeral.
How much does it cost to send a thank you card? ›Regardless of paper thickness or if you use an envelope liner, most thank you cards should weigh under 1 ounce, so they should require one $0.49 postage stamp!
What shoes do you wear to a funeral? ›What Kind Of Shoes Should I Wear To A Funeral? A conservative pair of closed-toed heels or flats is ideal for wearing. It is the same for men's and women's sandals. A pair of high-heeled sandals or an open-toed shoe will look great on you if you're attending a funeral in a warm climate.
Can you have bare legs at a funeral? ›No bare legs. Wear dark stockings or ultra sheer nude hose to show respect. Nothing flashy or bright. If your style is to wear colorful clothes, tone it down for a funeral.
What should a woman wear to a funeral? ›Traditionally, funeral etiquette suggests men and women wear black clothing that's conservative and respectful. Black or dark colours are most common, but some cultures expect mourners to wear a less traditional funeral colour.
How do the Japanese deal with grief? ›
The wake itself, where family and friends is called tsuya, which literally means “the passing of the night.” The wake is held as soon after the death as is possible. During this time intense grief may be expressed and friends gather to offer support to the family. Mourners wear only black clothing from head to toe.
How Japanese perform last rites? ›Although Buddhist funeral rites vary by denomination and region, in general the body after death is washed and laid out with the head toward the north. A priest then recites kyō (sutras) next to the deceased before the body, or hotokesama, is placed in a wooden hitsugi (coffin).
How Japanese culture views death and dying? ›In Japan, it is a common saying that Japanese are born Shinto but die Buddhist. In Shintoism, the emphasis is on purity and cleanliness. Terminal illnesses, dying and death are considered “negative” or impure and akin to “contamination.” Frank discussions on death and dying may be difficult at first.
Do Japanese bury or cremate? ›In Japan, more than 99% of the dead are cremated. There are not many cemeteries where a body can be buried. While the law does not prohibit interment, plans to create a cemetery for interring the dead can face massive obstacles -- most notably opposition from the local community.
What is the best condolence message? ›My sincerest condolences for you at this time. You have my deepest sympathy and unwavering support. Wishing you peace, comfort, courage, and lots of love at this time of sorrow. My heart goes out to you at this difficult time.
What flowers are appropriate for a Japanese funeral? ›Money and chrysanthemums in Japan
White and yellow chrysanthemums and lilies are particularly suitable, because they're associated with death. Flowers in bright colours are taboo. Alongside floral wreaths, you can also bring condolence money (kōden, 香典) for the family to a Japanese funeral.
Blue is also one of Japan's most important lucky colors, with the others in the category being yellow, white, purple, green, and red.
What is Ohaka Mairi? ›Ohaka Mairi (お墓参り) is a traditional Japanese custom of when Japanese people go and visit the graveyards of their ancestors and relatives. It is a custom that Japanese people take seriously. “Ohaka” means grave or tomb, and “Mairi” means to visit.
Why do Japanese burn incense at funerals? ›During the wake and funeral services, participants who are not among the next of kin customarily offer money to the bereaved and burn incense to pray for the soul of the deceased at a temple or other venue where a monk chants sutras before an altar.
Do you send flowers to a Japanese funeral? ›Flowers are not generally a significant element in Japanese funeral culture. If you do choose to send them, however, you should follow proper etiquette. Lilys and chrysanthemums in yellow and white are appropriate choices. In Japanese culture “koden” is a more appropriate sympathy expression than flowers.
What symbolizes life in Japan? ›
Cranes are most commonly used to represent longevity and good fortune. Appropriately, they are found during the Japanese New Year and during wedding ceremonies in textile prints.
How long after death is funeral Japan? ›Final arrangements for disposition would normally need to be made a maximum of one week after death. Japanese law requires that at least 24 hours pass from the time of death until cremation or embalming may begin.
What are the 3 main beliefs of Shintoism? ›What are the main beliefs of Shinto? The main beliefs of Shinto are the importance of purity, harmony, respect for nature, family respect, and subordination of the individual before the group. There are many Shinto gods or spirits and these have shrines dedicated to them where people offer food, money and prayers.
Why do the Japanese pour water on graves? ›At the base of a gravestone you will find vases for flowers and an incense stand. People who visit graves will bring fresh flowers and water to pour a gravestone as part of a religious ritual. Some food items are left that were favourites of the deceased.
Who wears white to a funeral? ›White is a color of mourning across the globe
Buddhists wear white to funerals as a symbol of mourning, and respect to the deceased person. Believing that the first three days should be a period of positivity, so that the deceased can transition from life to death peacefully, Buddhists prefer to mourn in white.
Close family members pick out bones and place them in a cremation urn. Picking out certain bones may be seen as gathering luck, strength, wisdom, or healing. This practice is reserved for close family members only. The cremation process turns the body into a mix of ash and small bones.